Resolutions; Maybe not the Solution?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved having order in my life. By order I essentially mean control, I’ve always thrived off of being one step ahead of the game and “in the know”- knowing about things before they were going to happen gives me a legitimate high. Along with a love of control, I have also always loved to plan. Some of my fondest memories are of me sitting in my mother’s classroom after school, with a bag of Funyuns and a Mr.Pibb (the school’s vending machine only had Pepsi products, a real tragedy I know), writing out my plans for the weekend BY THE HOUR. Yes, at the ripe age of seven I would whip out a piece of printer paper and a blue gel pen and map out what I was going to do on Saturday; these lists would usually include what Tv shows I was planning to watch, how much time I planned to spend playing Frogger, and which friends I hoped to convince my mom to schedule a play date with. While there’s nothing wrong with having control of your life and having plan (these aspects are needed to a certain degree in order to be a responsible adult), looking back I can see that my obsession with lists, maps, and itineraries was not healthy (or normal, like what a weird hobby for a child to partake in..). I’ve come to realize that my desire to plan out the events of my life inevitably leave me inflexible and in many cases unhappy (because life is life, things don’t always go as planned, which as you can assume leaves me in a real bind).

The past few months I have actively done my best to approach life with a far less “uptight” (this word has seemingly latched itself onto me- and I HATE it, but I can also understand why it’s been used as a descriptor for myself a time or two 😉) perspective. I keep my lists to a minimum, the only planning I do is lesson planning (definitely won’t be able to escape those), and I’ve accepted that not everything in life is going to fall in place as I planned. One of my friends, whose spent many nights listening to me complain about how my life is not going the way it’s “suppose to” (for her sanity there’s always a glass of wine or mixed drink involved too😊), sent me a meme the other day that inspired me to not only write this piece but to also quit doing something I’ve done since I was probably in diapers. This year, 2018, I will not be making any resolutions.

I feel as if our culture has made it a requirement to resolve to change yourself with the start of each year. I think it’s because we’ve all been convinced that each new year offers “a clean slate”- and we must as human beings make each year better than the one before. I have most definitely feed into that nonsensical mindset, making a strict list of goals/resolutions to abide by with the onset of the new year. Honestly, like most I didn’t ever achieve or stand by any of those goals which in turn lead me to being unhappy with myself. Granted, I know plenty of organized goal oriented people who map out their lives and plan every little detail of their existence- which there isn’t anything wrong with. I however, have a personality that just can’t handle not reaching a goal at a certain point- so my solution, to stop creating timelines for my life and replace goals with aspirations (I feel like aspirations are like goals low-key much more chill cousin, that was a terrible comparison I know…).

While I still haven’t perfected the art of “letting go” and being okay with the pace my life has taken, I’m content with the fact that I’m no longer planning out every second of my day. I don’t need resolutions or time stamps in order to have a successful year, so long as I stay motivated and continue to be a good human; I’ll be content with myself. My life drives at its own pace, and while I don’t always agree with its speed, I’m just going to hang out in the passenger seat from now on because at the end of the day it’ll take me to where I need to be.

Catch you on the flipside!

Maya

A Walk to (sorta) Remember

Yesterday, I took my last stroll (or fast walk because it was freezing and raining) through campus. I had to return a few textbooks, and it dawned on me as I was quickly striding through that it would most likely be my last time to EVER (I don’t envision myself visiting or making trips out solely just to reminisce…I’d rather spend my money on a day trip to New Orleans or a concert) walk campus. Graduation is technically on campus, but it’s tucked further away in our basketball stadium-so that doesn’t really count. Whilst walking I couldn’t help but feel some strange stirrings from inside (I assume it was sentiment….or it could have just been the Doritos I ate for lunch but we’ll go with the first one 😉), I thought about the first time I ever walked campus during my orientation week and how out of my element I felt. Funny enough, I still felt very much out my element on my walk because I honestly didn’t spend a whole lot of time on campus during my 7 semesters as a student. For a moment (just a moment), I regretted the 3.5 years I spent NOT embracing the campus and the college experience. Not to say that I didn’t enjoy my time, I did…but I never joined any organizations, I was in a sorority for a semester but it was more work than it was worth (I did end up meeting my very best friend while in it, so I am thankful I attempted it). In the end, I spent more time working at a daycare and doing homework in bed than I did studying under a tree, going to football games (football is basically a RELIGION at my school), and participating in all the (somewhat whacky in my opinion) traditions my school offered.

My university has a term for a person who isn’t fully committed to being an Aggie (not our mascot…but just a term to describe the student body and alumni, it’s weird I know); we’re called 2%ers. I am (well, was) definitely a 2%er; I attended 2 basketball games, 1 football game-but I only survived till half time so… .5 football games, and I literally only wore spirit wear if it was given to me for free (most of my fellow students live in maroon Aggie gear). Honestly writing this may get me into a lot of trouble….Aggies are very serious about spirit and tradition. But, I came to college to get a degree (which I’ve ALMOST done) not to sell my soul to the confusing traditions and the athletic department. Not that there’s anything wrong with being committed to your school, you should be, but spirit, sports, and traditions just aren’t really my thing. However, like I said before I do sometimes wonder if my college years would have been pure euphoria (like many people describe there’s to be), had I followed along and attended every sporting event and abided by all the campus traditions. Probably not- it’s just SO not my tempo to do those kinds of things; I’d rather go listen to a poetry reading, see an independent film, watch old music videos (Backstreet Boys Bye, Bye, Bye video is still a personal favorite of mine) jam out to music in my car, or search for vinyls at Half-Price books.

Had to dig through the depths of Facebook to find this one! Freshman Maya is dead center at her first college basketball game….probably thinking about how badly she wanted to get back to her binge watching session of American Horror Story. 

I may rag on my University quite a bit, but that only goes to show that I really do love it- I show my love by gently bullying (if you’ve ever fallen victim to my intimidation, congrats I really love you!). I may have not fully embraced my years as a student, but I am so thankful for the education I have received, it’s pretty superior! At the very least, I’ll definitely be missing my days of classes and homework when I’m student teaching this semester (essentially like being a full-blown teacher without getting paid ☹). No worries though, I may not have embraced ALL aspects of college life, but I definitely still have plenty of fun stories to tell my future grandkids.

Catch you on the flipside!

Maya

The (Catless) Cat Lady

“Guess what! I’m engaged!” I’ve quite literally been hearing and seeing this statement on a never-ending loop for the past several months. While it most definitely never came out of my mouth (in a serious manner that is, I definitely just typed it to act as a good hook for this post…I caught your attention, aye? 😉), I have seen a GIANORMOUS amount of my fellow young 20ers’ either engaged, on the road to an engagement, or even better….are already married! I honestly can’t believe it, I still feel so young and unprepared for a serious committed relationship to even begin thinking about marriage or a prolonged engagement. Heck, I can’t even commit to a restaurant for dinner….let alone commit my life to another person. Granted, everyone develops at a different rate and if you’re 21 and found “your person” than more power to you! I however, am not even relatively CLOSE to marriage- I actually really enjoy living my life as a singleton, it’s liberating (and a little lonely at the same time, but we won’t talk about that part too much). After scrolling through engagement picture after engagement picture (plus a wedding photo here and there) I decided at the rate I’m going in my life, I may just be a Cat Lady (minus the cats, because I don’t like them).

Who am I kidding, I’d definitely be lying if I said I was totally unfazed by this slew of engagements. To clarify, none of the infamous “engaged” I speak of are my family or close friends, most of them are Facebook friends/old friends from High School/random girls I met once at a sorority function/boy who I did one group project with kind of people, and while I’m happy for all said engaged folks, I’m not overflowing with joy for them because I don’t really have a deep personal connection to them. I felt the need to add that statement before everyone started thinking that I was a “Wedding Grinch” or Anti-Love (I’m not incredibly sentimental or into cheese…but I DO have a heart, even if it can be a little dark sometimes :p). Like I said before, I’m happy for all the people who are moving on with their lives and doing adult things like getting married, but at the same time I can’t help but feel a little sorry for myself in the process. I’ve managed most of my college years without a serious relationship, and I always remember hearing when I was little girl that you find your “person” while in college. I was also warned once by a family member that I better “get on the ball now,” because my future career in education won’t really offer me a huge selection of husbands to choose from. On the same note, I’m all about female empowerment and living by that “I don’t need a man,”  to complete myself statement, although….it feels nice having someone care about you too.

How to cope with SSSS (sudden sad single syndrome) eat cookies in bed!

Luckily, I have many friends who have spent numerous days/nights listening to me complain about how I’m going to be a lonely spinster for the rest of my life. While ALL my friends are great, they are all very different people, which is funny because when I bring up the issue of my love (less) life they all tell me the same thing; “BE PATIENT! Your person is out there, you just haven’t met them yet.” Patience is not one of my strong suites, it’s funny because I’m insanely patient when it comes to my work (I’m a teacher so it’s a necessary trait to have) but when it comes to my personal life I just don’t have time (lol, literally) for patience. So, instead of waiting patiently for “my person” I joke (but am also slightly serious) about being a Cat Lady who doesn’t own cats (cats and I have a mutual dislike for one another). Because there’s definitely nothing wrong with being a cat/dog/ferret/lizard/animal-less lady. So long as YOU are happy with the place you’re at in life, you do you.

Okay, Maya you can stop giving out the hypocritical advice now (as I’ve mentioned before, this blog is in NO way shape or form an advice column…not that anyone was busting down doors to seek my advice, but I just thought I’d clarify, if anything this is an advice column for Maya Lexis written by Maya Lexis 😊).  In the end, I’m going to continue to pretend like I’m patiently waiting for “my person”, continue enjoying my attachment free life, continue to attempt going on horrible blind dates, but most importantly continue to be happy just being Maya (family and friends….I’m considering sending out a solo Holiday Card this season please let me know how you feel about this ASAP).

P.S. To all you engaged folks, feel free to slip me a wedding invite if you like (especially if you’ll be having an open bar). I’ve been told I give great gifts! 🙂

Catch you on the flipside!

Maya

Hey Stranger

Friends…you can’t live with them (sometimes) but you really can’t live without them. Life is full of relationships, making connections with other people is what gives life meaning. Funny enough, I haven’t always had that perspective. Growing up, I was never a person who had a booming social life- I laid pretty low in Middle School and High School and really only had a handful of pretty close friends. I’m naturally pretty introverted, and as a teen I never found the point in being overly social, I was notoriously known as that quiet girl who did theater (but thankfully didn’t act like a “theater kid” 😉), got good grades, and kept mostly to herself. At times, I regret not putting myself out there more, if pigs start flying and I decide to attend any of my High School reunions I probably won’t have anyone to reminisce with or pretend to be interested in reconnecting with. At the end of the day, cultivating healthy relationships is a key component to living a full life. With that being said, most of the friendships I had throughout childhood/young adulthood wouldn’t even qualify as acquaintanceships anymore.

It’s interesting to me how one moment you can be best friends with someone, and the next they’re basically a stranger. While this isn’t true for all relationships/friendships, I’ve found that many in my life have followed this cycle. Was it because they weren’t real to begin with? Did I change? Did the other person change? Maybe I’m just not  very good at maintaining relationships, but I think I’m a pretty solid companion  (no bias there what so ever). My mind is so focused on relationships now because I’ve finally come to understand how important they are; I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately, but a simple snapchat from a friend or a quick dinner with my roommate instantly lifts my mood. Knowing that there’s someone to connect with, laugh with, and simply complain about life with (a strength of mine) reminds me that life is great. While I still do not possess a large quantity of friends, I like to believe I have a handful of quality friends. Anyone who’ll put up with my need to ALWAYS be the DJ in the car (currently all of my friends) is truly a keeper.

I still sometimes mourn the friendships I once had, Facebook is a real killer with those “What you did on this day” pop ups. They are constant reminders of people I used to share memories with, who are now ghosts. Social media is helpful in the sense that it keeps you connected on a superficial level, but “liking” an old friend’s photo doesn’t have the same effect as a phone call or a simple text. My favorite, is when a person I haven’t heard from in months/years decides to send me a text or a Facebook message on my Birthday- not to say that I’m not incredibly guilty of doing the same thing, I just never (and STILL don’t) know why you’d decide to reach out on my Birthday when you can’t be bothered to acknowledge my existence on an ordinary day.

Woah, I’m getting a little salty sounding….can you tell I’ve been burned by a “friend” or two in the past? I mean one day I was at Old Navy buying graphic socks (because you could never have to many pairs of graphic socks) when I saw an old friend, me and this person had been friends for YEARS, we grew apart with time but I can tell you I still remembered her name and what her face looked like, and I assume she probably remembered me. Well, as soon as I made eye contact and smiled, intending to walk over and say hello she quickly looked away and took off in the other direction. Talk about being dissed- at that time I felt like a stranger would have been more welcoming. The crazy thing is, our friendship didn’t end on bad terms, it just fizzled because we grew up and grew apart. No bad blood as far as I’m concerned, but maybe in her head it was a different story. Relationships are tricky in that way, when you lack communication there’s plenty of room for misinterpretation. That awkward Old Navy story would probably be completely different if my old friend had authored it instead of me.

Case in point, I don’t hold anything against my old friends, life happens people drift apart. But from this point forward, I’ve officially made it a personal goal to stay connected. I won’t be losing any more friendships because I didn’t try; so congrats to all my current pals-your going to be stuck with me for good! 😊

Catch you on the flipside!

Maya

Why you Gotta be so Complicated?

I have to give props to the one and only Avril Lavigne, not only did her 2002 banger “Complicated” provide me inspiration for this blog post’s title, but she also confirmed to a young Maya how cool it was to be a tomboy. I attempted to wear plaid uniform style skirts and micro-ties because of her (on a side note, if you haven’t listened to an Avril Lavigne song in your life go to Youtube now…you will forever be changed by “Sk8r Boi” 😉).

I’ve really distanced myself from writing lately and keeping this blog up, I could easily blame the disconnect on school, student teaching, or the general college student “business” but at the end of the day-I’ve just kind of had a bad attitude about life in the past few months. Nothing kills creativity more than a bad attitude, hence the lack of any quality writing. Since October, I’ve been in a mood, hyper focusing on all the “wrongs” in my life instead of embracing mistakes and being thankful for all the “rights”. I absolutely hate admitting to having such a mindset, it seems like such a cliché 20-something year old problem to have, especially because my life is FULL of wonderful things. I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist, which comes with it’s own set of highs and lows; as much as I’d like life to be perfect….it isn’t (a pessimistic outlook I know, but at least its realistic?). Honestly, perfection doesn’t exist, it’s an unattainable goal-once you’ve reached it you could still do just a little bit better. With that being said, you might see why life can get a little problematic for me at times. I’m still attempting to balance my natural (and unrealistic) affinity for everything to be “perfect” with my desire to embrace the unexpected and “go with the flow”.

The funny thing is, most people who know me as an acquaintance would likely describe me in one of two words; “calm” and “quiet”. Those adjectives have seemingly become attached to my name since I was little. While I am naturally introverted, I wouldn’t personally call myself quiet (just ask my parents, I definitely don’t have a problem with speaking my mind) and I honestly wouldn’t ever describe myself as “calm” (I have no chill…like ever). However, I learned early on how to put up a front for people, If I stayed quiet no one would know I was struggling. If I pretended to act calm, no one would question my well-being. At the end of the day, it was simpler to pretend like nothing bothered me rather than have to explain my inner workings to all inquiring minds. A guy I briefly dated told me once that I “was unnecessarily complicated” (we still went out a few times AFTER he said that….crazy, right!?). I’m still not entirely sure what he meant by “unnecessarily complicated”, maybe he just expected me to put up the front I put up for the general public to please him, or maybe I am just “unnecessarily complicated”.

At the end of the day, I’m the only person who can control my own happiness and my outlook on the world. Some days are better than others; but I never know what’s going to turn a good day into a bad one, it could be as simple as my supervising teacher telling me I didn’t copy her workbook page right- a criticism so small automatically makes me question my career path, my intelligence, and my ability to function as an adult. Hence, my current dilemma. If I continue to let every little problem drive me up a wall, I am NEVER going to enjoy my life. Life is short enough anyway, so why should I spend it worrying about whether or not my professor thought my project presentation was the best in the class. I’m my own worst enemy- and like that guy said, I’m a relatively complicated person but everything and everyone in life is complicated! And while I’m still working on it, I think the key to leading a happy, healthy, and gratifying life is to embrace it’s complexities.

P.S. To stay inspired, I did a little “re-branding” and changed my blogs name. It’ll still be an account of my attempts at being a productive adult (lady)- but just with a catchier name! 🙂

Catch you on the flipside!

Maya